stolen wisdom.

So there are a number of blogs that I follow and I ran across this excerpt today from a friend of a friends blog. Today, this entry could not have been more directed at me.

Almost exactly a year ago, I got pregnant with the boy we now know as Benji. Even now, looking back, it seems like such a monumental decision. When people ask about how it came down to our decision to begin trying (or more like not actively trying against) I still don't quite know what to say... There was a lot of discussion for the entire year ahead of time... What things would we miss, what would being parents be like, what would change, when would be the best time.... Just like a zillion other couples we talked endlessly about all the things that would be impacted by that simple choice not to use contraception...and then have a baby.

The part that makes me laugh is that seems like an eternity ago. Most of all, I feel incredibly relieved to no longer feel the pressure of that decision. There is no longer all the wondering about how things will work out. Now they just are. I have climbed the mountain and know what it looks like from the top.

What I can't help wanting to tell friends who remain childless and are no doubt weighing THE decision is that the whole thing is a learning process, a letting go process, and a making-peace-with-what-ever-happens-process. In retrospect one of the most powerful lessons that I learned in the last year is that in an era of total control, instant gratification, and constant information, pregnancy and childbirth is a lesson in not knowing and in rolling with the changes. And in the end, out of that comes the serendipity and inexplicable, indescribable joy in life.

We had our 12 1/2 half week ultrasound/testing yesterday and everything looks great. We told our parents last night about our new addition. (It was really sweet and so nice to finally tell them! Dad of course was super excited.) I told K, my principal today, and also my favorite aunt and her boys. I am a little gun shy of telling people as I am still afraid I will lose this kid and have to deal with it in public. (yeah, I am a chicken shit) So this passage really spoke to me. I will try to take it to heart and embrace the unknown.