see-saw.

Last night we were at St's enjoying the annual "Indian Fest" which is always held on or around July 4th. This year marks the second year I did not drink due to a possible bun in the oven. I have to say that this particular leg of the journey has been trying. I often feel like a fake- so convinced am I that I am not pregnant anymore- surely my "nausea" is simply created in my head. Tired? No, you are not really tired from developing a fetus, you are just lazy and milking it. Other times I will feel like there may be a chance. We can not have come this far just to fail- these issues are all in my head- I am fine, the baby is fine. I am just not sure how to move forward- look at baby clothes or buy some wine for Wednesday night when I loose it?

Despite my drama, I had a really excellent time at the party. S created a wonderful "tent" out of the van- which I have now dubbed our van-abego. It was so comfortable! People were good, food was excellent, and overall night was chill. Got to talk to a lot of people, and it was really nice to see S's dad finally come up to the party. K and V talked to my parents for a good long time, so that was an added benefit of the night we hadn't even planned on.

One of the more interesting parts of the night, was watching T, B's wife, lay her heart out to Sh about all of the problems that they are having trying to conceive. Sh was totally supportive, and I had a moment of wanting to talk more openly about what we have been going through. It is not my style, and I spent part of the night wondering why I have to keep things so close.

The only thing I can think of is how much I hated people's well intentioned advice and stories after the death of my brother. How much I hated listening to people iron out their own issues by discussing them with me, rather than actually wanting to help me. I guess I am just so scared of not being heard. I don't want to hear how miscarriages are really common, I don't want to hear how it will be alright, I don't want to hear about some doctor I should really go see. I just want to be pregnant- and if I am honest, I really resent the fact that we couldn't do this on our own. And I guess I am hoping that no one will have to know.

I don't know why I feel this way. I am hoping that it stems from the fact that we are still unsuccessful (or that I will feel that way until I see a heartbeat). Maybe once we can get past that first trimester- or god help us, even to an actual baby, that I would be more willing to share our story- more willing to share with others and help them as I so desperately need help right now.