genuine.

So we know for sure today that the month of February will not provide us with a pregnancy. I had no feelings that I might be, but now the pressure is on. Apparently, it is procedure to try options in house for 6 cycles, and after that period, if nothing happens, they move you to a infertility doctor. We just finished cycle 5. So if we do not get pregnant in the next month, we need to test both of us individually to make sure there are no complications from either of us that are resulting in month after month of no baby. big fun all around. There are lots of options and details to think about- too many in fact. So I am meeting with my doctor next Tuesday to talk shop.

I didn't do my normal "crash and burn" approach to the news. In fact I was pretty proud of myself- until tonight. S has been brought down to 3 days a week at his job, so we have been moving money around and making some hard decisions about what we should do. He and I spent most of yesterday night figuring things out. Tonight he had planned to go out with N to have some guy time. When N came to pick him up though, we found out that N and Su are a couple of months along. This is fine, but over New Years, Su and I had bonded over the fact that we both had been trying and still had not gotten pregnant. Now I am alone in that . . again. I am really missing the presence of a girl I can talk to about this really depressing shit, but all of the girls at my disposal, are either pregnant, not married (and sad about this), or not stable. So here I sit typing.

I want a baby, I want to start our family, and let me tell you, nothing about turning 29 makes me feel old- except the thought that I may not have a baby by 30. I feel so defective, I just want to curl up and die. (won't, but sure want to . . .)