3 Month review. .. .

I am not sure why it has taken me so long to get back to blogging.  Part of it was the first month and a half of Kalev's life.  Sheesh.   I have said it a lot, but I will type it here:  Anya was a great sleeper but a poor feeder, Kalev?  Kalev is a FANTASTIC eater, but a poor sleeper!   He is almost 3 months old an I am just starting to get a consistent chunk of 4 hours at night- 5 if I am really lucky.   And that is just one chunk.  So it has been rough for me, as I need my sleep.  

But the breastfeeding is night and day.  From the first time he breastfed after he was born he has been a HUNGRY, HUNGRY boy and I have not had any of the concerns that I had with Anya about whether or not he is getting enough food!  During the early months he ate about every 2 1/2 hours and I can tell you I was really home bound.  But since my recovery took so long, due to the stitches I had to have it wasn't too unwanted.  The rough part of Kalev's early months was probably a lot more his gas than his sleeping patterns.  It seemed like Kalev wanted to sleep more, but he was always waking up with painful gas.  Trying to figure out what to do about it was tricky.  There was one particular morning where I threw his nook across the room in frustration.  It had been days of no break and no sleep that was more than 2 1/2 hours at a chunk.  Don't get me wrong, S is super supportive, but we were super stupid and decided to attack several home projects.  We just seem to be stuck in the ghetto for the forseeable future, so after a 2 year chunk of depression about our situation, we are back to construction.  Good, but not the best choice for a busy family of a toddler and a newborn.   But those moments got better and better, it just took small steps.

The first step was figuring how to get Kalev to sleep.  For at least 2 months the only way we could get him to sleep at night for longer than 2 hours was to have him sleep upright on my chest.  That angle made his gas and relux manageable.   The next step was to get us both back in the bedroom.  Kalev refused to sleep on his back, and we were at a loss as to how to safely have him sleep on his tummy.  We ended up buying an Angel monitor that kept track of his movement.  It was the only way we could make sure that he was safe AND sleeping.  It has been a huge improvement in our lives, as I felt like human more than a matress with tits!  Kalev is doing a good chunk of sleep at night and then decently after.  I usually end up on the couch for the 2 o'clock feeding simply because I don't want his crying to wake up Anya.   I feel Kalev again in the morning and S dresses Anya and brings her down.

One of the new things I have been working really hard on is Anya's hair.  We got the photo shoot done for Kalev's birth announcement and we got a couple of really nice pics to use.  But in every pic Anya's hair just looks disheveled.   I made it a goal that Anya would not be frumpy because I can't do hair.  I found a website with tons of toddler hair ideas and just started working.   Some of them worked well and some just looked crazy.  I keep working every morning to get my parting right, or the braiding or whatever. . . . It is getting better, but it is still stressful for me to try to figure out - especially in the morning when I am so tired.  I am interested in seeing how the process goes when I go back to work.

Speaking of Anya- good lord she loves that baby.   She wants to touch him and help change his diaper all the time.  She is always letting us know if he is sad.  She comes running and says "Baby too crabby, too crabby!"  It is so funny!  Recently she has found it hilarious that his flailing limbs hit her.  She tries to lay right by him on the floor and see if he will hit her.  If he does she just laughs and laughs.  Kalev smiles a lot now, and Anya is so happy that he smiles at her.  "Kalev smile Anya!"  It is just sweet!  She has definately decided that she needs to do everything that Kalev does.  She has wanted some breast milk and some diaper changes but has been able to be happy breastfeeding and diaper changing her stuffed animals.   It is hard at time wanting to cuddle with Anya and Kalev and knowing that both can't happen.  It seems that Kalev wins more often because he needs the milk.  I am hoping that as he needs less and less I can pick up my Anya time.  S and her have become thick as thieves though, and it is super adorable to watch them together.  She takes swimming with Daddy every Friday and she talks about it all week.  "Anya swim Daddy, Anya swim Daddy!"  It makes me really happy that I married such a good man.  He is just a fantastic father.

I have to mention the billirubin.  It took weeks for the billirubin level to get right.  After the hospitalization, we needed to do so many blood tests before the level plateued and then began to decrease.  I about lost my mind packing up the baby, and getting to the appointment, having the blood drawn and then waiting for the results.   My stitches just made everything so painful.  I just wanted to be home with my baby, but we made it through.  Even at his 2 month check up his blood level needed to be checked again and then again because of some odd numbers.  AAAAaaaahhhhh!

The hardest part of all of this has been S.  I miss him so much.  S and I have always been aware that we are too dependent on each other, but the amount of time we don't get to spend together now is really, really hard.  I love him so much, and I see him, but we are so buys wrangling kids that it feels like sometimes we are next to each other and not able to see each other at all. It will get better- it has to.

There is so much more to talk about, but I need to get going back to the grind.  Hopefully it will not be another month before I write again!

Billirubin can kiss my ass.

Today was just the pits. I spent a lot of time last night feeding Kalev, burping, changing, comforting- just to be ready to put him down for bed and find that he had no interest in laying in the crib. So we would go down and start the routine all over. And honestly, that is no big deal because that is what infants do. They crave the contact they had in the womb and they need a lot. But the big deal is my body. I am so sore. After Anya's birth I felt so good the next day, and felt pretty much back to my body a lot sooner than this time. Kalev's birth required me to be cut open, and that adds so much to my discomfort. It makes everything so painful and tiresome. I just feel weak. And that is not a feeling I enjoy in the least. Also, my milk started coming in last night and so my nipples- which were still a little sore from Kalev's second night assult really had a hard time working right being jacked-up and engorged. Add to that the fact that we had to go trek into the doctors for the second day in a row and you can see how my mood was not the best to start.

Add a bad billirubin score into the mix and now we are asking for trouble. Kalev's score was a 15 yesterday, but was high enough today so that the scanner would not read it, so blood tests were ordered. All of this was happening as Kalev needed to feed and his wails were making my boobs ache. So I offered to stay after the appointment to feed Kalev a "snack" before leaving while Niel ran across the street to the hospital to pick up a power cord that we had left when we were there. Well, the snack helped, but as I waited and waited for S to come back from the hospital, it was clear something was keeping him and that Kalev wanted a lot more than the snack he had been given. My body started to give out- just achy all over and exhausted. Kalev started to give out- all hungry and exhausted. So S picked up a very broken pair when he arrived empty-handed from the hospital.

I cried most of the way home, I just was so done. It is so hard to keep finding the strength to move forward when it just feels like the core of you is being chipped away by all of these things. I planned on running some errands after the appointment, but we just headed home. About 1/2 hour after arriving home, we got a call from the doctor that the billirubin was too high and that we should head back into the hospital. My spirit just fell. Seriously, we had been here before and I did not like it better the second time one bit. The even suckier part is that with Anya in the mix, we now have to split up to manage our family. Me, having the food, taking Kalev to the hospital- and S to go pick up Anya and run the house.

Have I mentioned that we are a little crazy and NEVER sleep apart? So this sucks. Really, really sucks. But as I tried to keep myself together on the way down here I am reminded that I will always have the strength to do what is needed for my family. Always. I may not feel it, or even know it, but I will do everything I can to make my family happy and healthy.

So I sit here and type away watching my baby tan under blue lights and I wait for the next adorable text from S about how Anya and him are doing and I realize that it will be alright, it always is, I just need to make it to the next day and see what unfolds.

Pop goes the weasel.

So I tried really hard to avoid the artificial induction on Friday. I really did, but it turned out that Friday we had to head in anyway. I had been dreading labor as it got closer and closer and knowing that we were adding the chemical contractions did not make me feel more calm. In fact my heart rate was so high when they first checked me in that they were sure they had the baby's heart rate instead of mine. Turns out, I just looked a whole lot calmer than I felt.

I know that I have a lot of strength and a lot of ability within me, but right before I need to perform, I tend to get nervous about whether I truly will be able to do what needs to be done. I knew that I had been able to go drug free last time, but I worried about whether or not I would be able to repeat that this time knowing what labor feels like and that it would most likely be much more intense this time.

We dropped Anya off at daycare at 7 and made it down to the hospital just after 7:30 am. But it took a while to check in and get settled and so we did not actually break my water until 10:00. I was so happy. Earlier, it had been explained to me that breaking the water happened at the same time that staring the pitocin did. But my doctor was willing to break my water and allow me an hour or so to walk around and try to get my labor going on its own. I walked and walked and walked, but nothing much happened. It was almost 11 and we had nothings started and I was torn. I really wanted to avoid the drugs, but I also really wanted to just get this done. So I walked for a 1/2 hour more and then went for the drugs.

Labor sucks. It just does. Unmedicated labor really sucks, but labor on pitocin. .. . . . shit. I was in a lot of pain, but I felt somehow different about it. For some reason I felt more in control with my contractions, like I was pushing through them and into them and some how finding the center of the pain. I also thought I was being much less vocal than last time. Apparently I was not. Apparently S said I was much louder this time. Hmmmm. Who knows? It felt quieter.

I spent most of my time this labor on the birthing ball listening to 4 songs as loud as I could over and over. (Beyonce - "Countdown" and "Start Over", Gavin DeGraw - "Not Over You", and Snow Patrol "Called Out in the Dark") Which was totally different than the first time when I used neither the ball or music. It worked for whatever reason, and somehow made the pain bearable this time.

It was also quicker, total labor, from water break to end, was 14 hours with Anya- three of which were pushing. Kalev's labor, from water break to end was 7 hours - three minutes of which were pushing. Yep. THREE MINUTES. The worst part of labor for me is always 7-10 centimeters. It is the time where I am the most tired- the pain is the worst, and it feels like there is no end in sight. This labor was so rough 8-10 centimeters. At the end of the labor I started to get some insane contractions that were like being electrified at the beginning and then really needing to push at the end. Last time it took forever for my cervix to pull back enough so I could begin pushing. So as I felt the need to push, it did not signal the end to me, but to everyone else in the room it sure did. Apparently I was so loud I brought them all in the room without a button! (Don't ask me I was in the pain trance) I was fully dialated at 5:10. They started moving me into pushing position, but I was so focused on getting through the pain I was kind of fighting them. It wasn't until after the next contraction that it dawned on me that we were to the pushing part. And almost as soon as I figured that out in my head I could feel stuff happening. 1 push and the head was out. Next push and 1/2 and the body was out and we were done. Kalev rolled out at 5:13. I was stunned.

He was just great- all toes and fingers and yelling. He had a full head of hair, but it was hard to tell what he looked like as his face was bruised. Apparently he came out so fast he kind of got drug through my pelvis. And to make way for his speedy exit, the doctor needed to cut me to make room for his huge shoulders. (Which I did not know at the time.) It was such a relief to think that I had this huge pushing ordeal ahead of me and instead get this almost surprise baby!

The recovery for me has been a little rough. The stiches are a real pain and get in my way as I try to move around. Even little things like getting in and out of the car are a big deal. I bled for a good bit in the hospital and it took almost my entire time there before I felt ok moving- not great, but ok. I still walk a little funny. I am hoping that soon I will begin to feel like myself again. But until then, there is Anya.

Anya has two younger kids at daycare that she loves to play with. Twin babies that she dotes on. She brings them toys, cooks them imaginary food, and plays music that they dance too. We have heard so many great stories about Anya and the babies. We had hoped that energy would transfer over to Kalev- and boy did it. Anya came to meet Kalev on Saturday evening. We had spent a long day with guests and relatives and all I wanted to do was see Anya. However, there was going to be no private family moment for us. Kayman, Vidya, Shante, Fauske, and my parents were all filling up the room when we finally got to unite our family. I wanted to kick them all out and scream to leave us be for a moment, but I didn't need to I was so focused on their meeting. And it was so lovely.

All of the pain and uncomfortableness melted away as Anya met her brother for the first time. She was so excited to meet him and was so gentle with him. And every time she has seen him since then she excitedly yells "Hi Baby" at him getting as close as she possible can to his face. Because that who he is to her- HER baby. It is very sweet. But that first moment was the best- all of the crazy melted away and I saw the start of their relationship- a relationship that will last their whole life.

And then Kalev started crying and needed to eat so I whipped out my nipple in front of an entire room of relatives facing me in chairs. Good god. Home never looked so good!

Induced . . . .

So after all of the drama with Kalev being too small, I was shocked to find that the largeness that I was feeling was looking large to the doctor too. She recommended talking the baby out early so there would not be complications. So needless to say I was a mess on Wednesday. I had to be hooked up to an iv for parts of Anya's labor, but it was manageable because when I wasn't hooked up I could move around freely. Having to be induced means many things to me, and one of the things it means is being stuck to the iv and the fetal monitor the whole time. It also means that my body is being regulated by drugs from the outside so there is a chance it will not respond. I do not want to have pain meds of any kind and while the last labor was very painful, there was a certain pattern to the pain, and I worry with the drugs the contractions will be unregulated and much more severe.

Beyond all of this worry, I had to pull myself together. So in my fashion, I took control as I could and rewarded myself with food. So many rounds of nipple stimulation later, I ran out for some last minute errands. I picked up a pizza from Pschyo Suzi's and grabbed a Jamba Juice mid-errand. I took an extra nap, and I took some time to process. By the time S got home, he found a much calmer woman than the night before. The baby's health comes before any reservations I have about the hospital, so I will do what I need to do. If they break my water, I have 24 hours before the baby must be out. I can do what is needed for 24 hours. I can only take care of my mind and be ready to be flexible for the rest.

So there we are. Today, I am cleaning up some things in the house, running to Target for last minute baby items, and then making sure we are packed for tomorrow. We will call at 6:30 to make sure we are on track for our induction at 7:30. That will give us just enough time to get Anya to daycare before we run to the hospital. It will be tight, but it is the best option. Mom and Dad will pick her up from daycare and then watch her overnight. I really don't think I could manage more than one day away from her. But again, we will see what happens.

I am only nervous about saying goodbye to Anya tomorrow. I broke into tears on the way home yesterday from daycare just processing the changes that are coming down the road. I hope Anya doesn't feel put aside, and I hope that she adjusts to the new baby well. We love her so much and I hope that she feels that throughout the change.

Any day now.

So life is just moving fast. The last few weeks have been really lovely with Anya, and it has almost been a bittersweet cuddling and loving her up, knowing that very soon our whole world will change. I am now 38 weeks and yesterday's doctor appointment said that I was slightly dilated and that any day now we may be meeting the next addition to our family. My only goal was to get to the end of quarter two and make sure my grade book was finished, and unless he shows up tonight- it looks like I will get to do just that. I am starting to get pretty excited about meeting Kalev, it always is hard for me to realize that a new person is going to be joining us. It is just so life altering! I can't imagine life without Anya, and I know in time I will feel the same way about Kalev.

I am a little nervous about labor, but in all honesty I am most nervous about just getting Anya to a good spot while we pop this one out. Mom and Dad have volunteered to come and watch her, and we already did a test run over-night. But I am still worried. I don't want her to feel left-out or unloved or scared while all of this change is going on. My only goal for this time around is for Anya to transition well. But as always, that is out of my hands. We'll see soon enough how it all works out!

The Year in Review.

Pretty long week.

So relief abounds as the doctor's visit reveals that Kalev's weight is up to normal. His length is a little big, but his head is still in the 25th percentile. Still small, but no where near before. It also means that I don't have to go on bed rest! But typical me- instead of being happy about it and just staying there- I had to get a full detailed vision of my butt in the mirror and about loose my mind. Holy cow. How did that get so big? And to add insult to extreme fatness, I can't really do anything about it until Kalev pops out. Sigh. I eventually got my perspective back, but it was hard there for a bit.

The other thing that has been hard lately is the mood swing that Anya is in. Boy she is growing up fast! She is so independent in so many ways, and yet so needy at the same time. This disjointedness really has lead to some serious stress as she wants to do what she wants to do and sometimes has trouble communicating to me what she wants. She has no problem communicating her dislike to me when things don't go her way! She is really good at "dead baby" and will drop to the ground in protest, which makes life hard for a very pregnant mom. I know that this is just a stage, but to be honest, it has been a very difficult for me. After a long day at work, it is frustrating to have to go "fight" Anya into her coat, shoes, and hat and try to get her home and "fight"her through her night routine. Yesterday was just miserable and I cried the whole way home from daycare- just feeling like a failure in every way. Tonight, however, was a completely different story and was just so lovely. I love being a mom, but it is hard to keep the perspective of time when I have never done any of this before!

Well to add one more log to the fire, Mary Louise died this week on Tuesday. She was out and about with another senior citizen and got in a serious crash and died. I have not been close to my grandmother in years due to my extreme loyalty to my father and some pretty messed up behavior from the family. The death came as quite a shock to my father and instantly the mess of Isakson family bullshit reared its ugly head. Long story short, we will be heading up to Walker at 5:30 tomorrow morning to go to the funeral simply to support my dad through whatever shit comes flying at him. I have not been up to the cabin in a really long time and this was not how I meant to go back, but it is the way it is. I have no expectation for anything but to support my dad. I hope it isn't the worst thing ever. sigh.