Induced . . . .

So after all of the drama with Kalev being too small, I was shocked to find that the largeness that I was feeling was looking large to the doctor too. She recommended talking the baby out early so there would not be complications. So needless to say I was a mess on Wednesday. I had to be hooked up to an iv for parts of Anya's labor, but it was manageable because when I wasn't hooked up I could move around freely. Having to be induced means many things to me, and one of the things it means is being stuck to the iv and the fetal monitor the whole time. It also means that my body is being regulated by drugs from the outside so there is a chance it will not respond. I do not want to have pain meds of any kind and while the last labor was very painful, there was a certain pattern to the pain, and I worry with the drugs the contractions will be unregulated and much more severe.

Beyond all of this worry, I had to pull myself together. So in my fashion, I took control as I could and rewarded myself with food. So many rounds of nipple stimulation later, I ran out for some last minute errands. I picked up a pizza from Pschyo Suzi's and grabbed a Jamba Juice mid-errand. I took an extra nap, and I took some time to process. By the time S got home, he found a much calmer woman than the night before. The baby's health comes before any reservations I have about the hospital, so I will do what I need to do. If they break my water, I have 24 hours before the baby must be out. I can do what is needed for 24 hours. I can only take care of my mind and be ready to be flexible for the rest.

So there we are. Today, I am cleaning up some things in the house, running to Target for last minute baby items, and then making sure we are packed for tomorrow. We will call at 6:30 to make sure we are on track for our induction at 7:30. That will give us just enough time to get Anya to daycare before we run to the hospital. It will be tight, but it is the best option. Mom and Dad will pick her up from daycare and then watch her overnight. I really don't think I could manage more than one day away from her. But again, we will see what happens.

I am only nervous about saying goodbye to Anya tomorrow. I broke into tears on the way home yesterday from daycare just processing the changes that are coming down the road. I hope Anya doesn't feel put aside, and I hope that she adjusts to the new baby well. We love her so much and I hope that she feels that throughout the change.

Any day now.

So life is just moving fast. The last few weeks have been really lovely with Anya, and it has almost been a bittersweet cuddling and loving her up, knowing that very soon our whole world will change. I am now 38 weeks and yesterday's doctor appointment said that I was slightly dilated and that any day now we may be meeting the next addition to our family. My only goal was to get to the end of quarter two and make sure my grade book was finished, and unless he shows up tonight- it looks like I will get to do just that. I am starting to get pretty excited about meeting Kalev, it always is hard for me to realize that a new person is going to be joining us. It is just so life altering! I can't imagine life without Anya, and I know in time I will feel the same way about Kalev.

I am a little nervous about labor, but in all honesty I am most nervous about just getting Anya to a good spot while we pop this one out. Mom and Dad have volunteered to come and watch her, and we already did a test run over-night. But I am still worried. I don't want her to feel left-out or unloved or scared while all of this change is going on. My only goal for this time around is for Anya to transition well. But as always, that is out of my hands. We'll see soon enough how it all works out!

The Year in Review.

Pretty long week.

So relief abounds as the doctor's visit reveals that Kalev's weight is up to normal. His length is a little big, but his head is still in the 25th percentile. Still small, but no where near before. It also means that I don't have to go on bed rest! But typical me- instead of being happy about it and just staying there- I had to get a full detailed vision of my butt in the mirror and about loose my mind. Holy cow. How did that get so big? And to add insult to extreme fatness, I can't really do anything about it until Kalev pops out. Sigh. I eventually got my perspective back, but it was hard there for a bit.

The other thing that has been hard lately is the mood swing that Anya is in. Boy she is growing up fast! She is so independent in so many ways, and yet so needy at the same time. This disjointedness really has lead to some serious stress as she wants to do what she wants to do and sometimes has trouble communicating to me what she wants. She has no problem communicating her dislike to me when things don't go her way! She is really good at "dead baby" and will drop to the ground in protest, which makes life hard for a very pregnant mom. I know that this is just a stage, but to be honest, it has been a very difficult for me. After a long day at work, it is frustrating to have to go "fight" Anya into her coat, shoes, and hat and try to get her home and "fight"her through her night routine. Yesterday was just miserable and I cried the whole way home from daycare- just feeling like a failure in every way. Tonight, however, was a completely different story and was just so lovely. I love being a mom, but it is hard to keep the perspective of time when I have never done any of this before!

Well to add one more log to the fire, Mary Louise died this week on Tuesday. She was out and about with another senior citizen and got in a serious crash and died. I have not been close to my grandmother in years due to my extreme loyalty to my father and some pretty messed up behavior from the family. The death came as quite a shock to my father and instantly the mess of Isakson family bullshit reared its ugly head. Long story short, we will be heading up to Walker at 5:30 tomorrow morning to go to the funeral simply to support my dad through whatever shit comes flying at him. I have not been up to the cabin in a really long time and this was not how I meant to go back, but it is the way it is. I have no expectation for anything but to support my dad. I hope it isn't the worst thing ever. sigh.

A moment of peace.

Today is the second day home with Anya, and the 4th day of her croup episode. She is doing much better today, and looks like she will be back at daycare tomorrow. Today she has wavered between okay and still needing a lot of attention, but either way it has been a nice day. I have been on movement lock-down since the doctor said I had 3 weeks to bring Kalev's weight up or bedrest. So I have been doing the minimal around the house and today, I took the opportunity to clean off a bench and a table top that has been bothering me for some time.

Tomorrow, we go to find out how the baby is doing and what the plan is for the rest of the pregnancy. Tomorrow we all head back to work and daycare and the normal grind. Right now she is upstairs sleeping and I have this small moment to chill. It is never nice to have a sick child, but S and I have both enjoyed the extra cuddle time with Anya over the last few days. It makes me want to freeze this moment before we are a family of four for just a moment longer. I am so excited to see Kalev, and to see Anya and Kalev together. But if I am honest, I know how much work it is going to be with two kids and work. So for now, I am content to chill in this moment and enjoy life as it is. I can only imagine my life 3 months from now.

Too small.

So I went in at my 24 week appointment to finish up the remainder of the ultrasound that our stubborn boy refused to sit still for. I had planned to take Anya and S with, but I missed my first scheduled appointment and had to make due with a over-the-lunch appointment by myself. So I was alone and a little shocked when the doctor informed me that Kalev's length was in the 47th percentile, but his weight and head was in the 14th. AAAAAaaaaahhh! So they were concerned and told me to cut down the stress and the movement and to EAT MORE. This was a little alarming to me as I work full time, and then try to wrangle a 20 month old until S gets home. Not a lot of time for relaxing or reflecting. To make things more fun, they informed me that if I did not bring up his weight in the time before my 28 week appointment, that they were going to put me on bed rest. I repeat .. . . BED REST. We have been scrimping to just figure out how to pay for the maternity leave, no way can we make an extra 3 months of bed rest figure into the budget. So needless to say, we went a little nuts. Sure we are worried about Kalev and we are worried about what having to go on bed rest would mean to our family. It is all just so much to process. I am doing my best to just chill out and do as little as possible, which is hard for me, really hard for me. Anya is doing great on the potty training, but that means she still needs to be plopped up on the toilet. And she is testing the limits- so she runs around and does "dead baby" when things aren't going her way- all things that require me to be physical. But I am cutting down on the errand running after work- which results in my dinner tonight which was made without flour or butter or chicken stock. But more importantly I am eating small meals all day long and doing my best to stay seated as much as possible. The only things is I don't know if any of this is working. Kalev may be growing well and making up lost time, or still really low. So we will go in a couple of weeks and hope for the best. Until then, I am going to stay seated.. . . . and eat.

It was the worst of times, and somehow the best. . . .

Anya has early on shown a lot of interest in potty training. Months ago she started indicating when her diaper was wet and asking for a change. It didn't occur to me until a little later that those were signs of wanting to potty train. I always seem to be a little behind on this parenting thing. I mean we didn't start Anya on a sippy cup until way late- it just wasn't on my radar. Thankfully, I started reading about potty training and the best time to start it. I had always thought that it was something that happened around 2-3. But it turns out it works better if you start them earlier. So the research was there, her interest was there, so I thought- lets give it a try. She took to it right away and had lot of success . . . . until it came to poop. The first time she saw poop in the potty, she freaked out and suddenly lost all interest in going to the bathroom. So we decided to back off and give her some time to figure it out.

This last weekend was MEA and I had been planning for some time to do a "potty boot camp" to get her switched over. It just felt like she was stuck in sort of going and that this method had the best research behind it. It required at least 3 days of being home no pants, no diaper and just nothing but practice. Day 1 was decent, day 2 was AWFUL, and day 3 was redemption. On day 3 we were dry all day AND pooped in the potty. Amazing stuff. Funny, how something that little makes such a huge difference.

Day 2 almost wrecked me. S was gone all day at my dad's fixing my car and so it was the second long day with just the two of us in the house. We both got up early and I was not feeling great- and she was pretty whiny. By 9:30 we were both out of things to do and looking at a long rest of the morning. She was not quite together on the potty thing and we were just butting heads right and left. I felt like the worst parent who ever existed. My own exhaustion was taking over any patience I had left. She was cranky, I was cranky and we were stuck in the house. It was a long day, and honestly I felt like this whole boot camp was the biggest waste of my break. But we persevered, S brought home a hot chocolate and things got much better.

Today was the big test, her first day back at daycare after the big weekend. And she did so great. She was dry all day. Ridiculous how happy that makes me. Strange how tied I am to her success. Something that I need to keep an eye on for sure. But it is weird how fast she is growing up. She is a little person right before our eyes. . . .